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But make you laugh. I forgot to record. NOEL!!! You have to keep it on record the bloopers
I don't know what happened. The first take is always the best
okay go. My name is Trinere Rodriguez.... 16/18
A dark-skinned plus size cisgender women. Your women? Multiple. Multiple Women. I identify as she/her/hers. Racially I identify as black and Puerto Rican, but I also identify as afro-latinx as well.
Sexual orientation I identify as queer although I do find myself like like on the bi Spectrum so either like bi or pan, but it all like intersects in some sort of way for me.
And I missing anything.
Not if I thought good. Okay, right. I think that's all of it. Yeah! A reminder. I am a dark-skinned.
Plus size woman / Curvy. I am a size 42C in Bra if you need a little visual through text in words... its like 42 36 35. "We both laugh loudly" I am all in the 40s besides my waist. My waist is 30 somthing.
She is curvy. She likes rice and beans, but you know, she's trying to get a little bit thinner . So a lot of salad, go ahead Noel . My name is Noel Puello . I am a 6'4 the size 24 women's but I wear 20 pants. I am I'm racially black.
Ethnically Dominican. I am queer. I'm a lighter skinned person I am.
I identify as a like various is identify sometimes as genderqueer and then sometimes it's trans but I use she/her pronouns. Um, my foot size is the size 13. I'm a thorough bottom bottom all day bottom bottom bottom bottom bottom. What else? What am I missing?
Oh, no, I didn't get to say mine. So if you're up here bottom as well. I idenitfy with a verse. Sometimes I wanna top but I would also like to bottom.
Very that's real that's real that's real. You know, I have verse fantasies, but it's mostly is mostly bottom. Um,
I think that's it. That's it. I think right right. That's it.Did you say you were light skinned. You know, I light skin. I very light skin, you know breaking the line of like racial ambiguity. I've gotten Samoan I've got in Hawaiian. I've gotten Pacific Islander pretty frequently. I really don't worry. Like I've got a Puerto Rican maybe once I got black in white spaces
I get black and in white....in white supremacist spaces. I get black all day. I have that. I think I mostly got Pacific Islander. And then oh, I feel like I am more on the interested in relationships and interested in monogamy and monogamy that then develops into the potential for marriage.
Same. Same so you're not polyamorous polygamous no ? Okay that real.
One partner not multiple, but you know, if I if there's two husbands I both want me but only want me separately, you know, not all of us together, you know, I would take that to you. Never know. Okay, so you're open. No, I want dick. SO the fantasy is open.
I think we should start off with defining intamcy.
Whenever I say the word intimacy physicality always comes to the Forefront when I talk about intimacy, or when I want intimacy, like the first thing I usually equate that to is some sort of stimulation. So I'm really into I'm really into mental stimulation. So like if you can't stimulate my mind then I feel like
The connection really won't be there at least for me and like how I look for intimacy. So I like to be mentally stimulated. I like to be challenged like, you know, really really but then you know, there is a physical attraction there as well. So yes in some cases intimacy does fall into the physicality. So kissing affection hugging
Intercourse if we want to go with them. if we wanna go with the PC term, but like for me it's mainly
Mental stimulation
And usually someone can tell I like them through, you know conversation. So I like to
But you can tell i like you if I hold back and I let you talk or like I have a lot of questions about you. So then I can get a chance to know you because I want to give you that platform. I want to give you that space because I want to
I think that's like the caretaker of me a little bit like I want to provide for you. You don't have to really provide for me because I can do it myself, but that's changing that's changing. It is changing over time. Cuz it is a partnership and I need to learn how to. You know step up and let others step back.
Also, too
You know when I'm little financially better usually My love language for like well I like to do is give gifts. Okay, so it's so your love like what is your can you state your love language that you like to give out? And can you stay your love language that you like to receive? Okay, so when
Give out love. So my love language for giving out is more like gift-giving. So again, like usually when I like someone I give them the spotlight. I like to hear what they have to say. And in return what I'll do is I'll like I'll just randomly surprise them with things like if I hear their favorite snack is like gummy bears. I will go and get them gummy bears and just surprised of one day just to let them know that
I'm listening. Um, but usually My love language for receiving
It's words of affirmation for sure. I like
There to be a
Reminder every now and then like okay, you know, you look good or you know, I love you.
It communication for sure because again, I like to be mentally stimulated. So I like talking and those are the ones that you like receiving. Yes. Again. Those are the ones I like receiving . So yours is words of affirmation to receive and what's the other one? Words of Affirmation - communication communication, but that's words of affirmation, right?
Let me hold on. Let me see if I still have my
Chart thing
I rememeber taking a screen shot of it
Okay. So yeah, so 37% words of affirmation.
Quality time. So I guess communication will fall into quality time and then acts of service. Mmm.
And my least favorite or receiving is physical touch and give receiving because I like to do those for others. Besides the touch. I dont really like touch alot. But yeah, you're right. There's like intimacy is for sure.
Emotional mental spiritual and physical and I feel like the one
At least for me. I feel like the one I dwell on the most is probably emotional and physical mostly because that because I feel like I have intimacy with like all of my friends and those that that's like a platonic type of intimacy and I feel like with my friendships the ones that I hold very close. I kind of have all of those with them like I have emotional mental spiritual Etc with all of them and physical physical physical.
But I feel like when I'm looking when I'm looking for like intimacy, that's not platonic that is more relationship-oriented. I feel like the ones that the ones that come the ones that I feel like I'm well I'm drawn to physical like physical as like the body physical but I'm also drawn to like just someone who is like more Hands-On. I think the more that they like hold you or touch you or like just like physical moments here and there.
Um, but I also think emotional is probably the one that I like is the most important to me and even though I guess that the question was how do you define intimacy intimacy is just like it's just whatever it's like, you know, like a closeness like a man like a thing that fit them simmer hot fit first note from it familiar familiarity. But yeah like so like that type of intamcy and you know there is sexual inmaticy too but that something different too
I know for sure. I think that that the my reasoning for I think emotional emotional and physical intimacy are kind of a tie-in to like my love language is too. So like for sure receiving I am an acts of service type of bitch. I need someone to go out of their way to drive because I cannot drive. I'm afraid of it physical touch is like AB so I think okay.
My three are acts of service physical touch and quality time. That's what I got the highest in my chart.
Because you know like those are those are the most essential because I feel like the other two. I feel like words of affirmations. I'll always have my friends and I feel like that one that one like it's like borderline uncomfortable to me because I feel like I feel like Words of Affirmation unless it feels truly genuine and I feel like I'm uncomfortable with it and receiving gifts is like cute like I like a gift here and there but I'm like
A monetary thing isn't going to fulfill the same. Like if someone was like really rich and they like decided that they just wanted to give me gifts but never be there like I wouldn't that's not what I want. I like like the accessory hose and I think the one that I give out a lot words of affirmation. I do the words of affirmation. I like I like being the Gift Giver. I probably I probably do
Quality time the most I think I do a lot of quality time. I spent a lot of time with people bitch I do all of them, but you know, but you know, that's neither here nor there. Can we also stay our chart?
Yeah, that's just the whole chart. You want me to just tell your? Yeah, because I was like, I'm afraid. To open the app because it will close the recorder.
Okay so for Noel
You have in Sagittarius. You have your Jupiter your moon and your ascendant.
For Capricorn you have Sun Mercury.
Uranus and Neptune and for Pisces you have Saturn Virgo you have Mars in Scorpio is your venus and Pluto and for me?
So for my Scorpio, I have my ascended Pluto and Jupiter for my Capricorn. I have Uranus Neptune my Aquarius is a Mercury and Mars in Pisces is in Saturn Sun and Venus and then by Leo is moon.
I probably should have said it was the reverse way. Well talking about our
The most important one is our Venus and the context of this conversation.
My Venus is in Pisces and Noels is in Scorpio. Oh, absolutely. We are both water
But I know that I know that a Scorpio and Venus is very much. Like it's a little like overwhelmed with its is very overwhelmed with relationships is very overwhelmed with like, you know, I think that like I like very little people and so when I do like someone it's almost like a strong attachment to them, so it's like a Border Lines obession but not in a way that like I'm gonna like come to your house and like slit your throat or something.
You know like or be angry, but it does come to that point of like like it means a lot to me to like figure out my intimate like who am I going to be intimate with because in the context of like I think it does I think being a Scorpio Venus does more harm to you than it does harm to the relationship between I think that like you're going to get the best sides of me probably gonna get better sides and like my friends got you know, like it's just like it because intimacy means so much to me like it's just you're just going to get a really good.Best side
of me. You're going to get a really well devoted partner. You're going to get someone who is like very caring very nurturing very much like just like overly loving and it's just like it is like an abundance of love and then the but the negative side of that is that like I do need to be affirmed pretty frequently. So is our relationship in a good spot. Like are we in the other we in the right space? Like are we?
You know, I used to be a affirmed. I need to like I need to be constantly affirmed that I am beautiful that I am loved that I'm important you was kinda okay Miss Viola.
And and the other negative aspects of it is I like I get into this like really dark space when the relationship does and if it does end, even if it did end up platonically like or even if it does not end up not platonically, what is it called?
It like ended without any harm being done or without like just like we both agree to if you wanted to be done it still puts me like in a really deep depression because it's like it's a space that I value a lot and it's a space that I want to be seen as someone who is important in that space. I don't know. It's like a it's very much like I think it's like hardcore that's like, oh is this it is this my Scorpio Venus or is this like my Capricorn because you know, like I'm a very competitive person and so I feel like if I say,
I feel like I lost like if I was in a relationship and it didn't work out it feels like I lost and it feels like this thing that I was doing. I was not good enough to achieve the goal that I wanted to achieve which is you know, as a person who is very invested into marriage like I do want to get married and I do want to find a lifelong partner and it means a lot to me to find that person. So I think it's like
I think that is a moment for me.
In an intimate setting what about you? How does pisces affect your intimacy?
You know, I see, you know, it's really about imagination and fantasy. And so I feel like in some ways.
It could be a good and a bad thing.
Good. Alright, so when I'm thinking about
Or let me back up so much pressure because you speak so well, I just feel like oh my God, you speak perfect. Shut up just be this is also like this is not like a test this is not a cuz. Speak how you wanna speak bae
Okay. So more of Pisces lovebird or at least like going like off stereotypes Pisces are usually really big into you know, like imagination and fantasy that really kind of runs how we view love or at least how I view of um,
And
You know just like really big in like romance. Like I really am into things whether it's like music literature that really go into, you know, love and what love is and I put myself into that like Mystic or like Fantasy Realm something that like I always
In a way, it can be a good thing because you know, that's you know, this is what I'm trying for. That's what I'm looking for. But
In a negative aspect living in fantasy all the time or not necessary all the time, but navigating certain parts of love with fantasy. It almost can become unrealistic within a relationship because you know
It's grounded on Earth. You're not.
Being up in the clouds all the time, you know that it's not necessarily like healthy and me as like a planner, right? I like to map things out to the team by the time by the second like this. Aaron should only take 30 minutes if it goes over 30 minutes off fustrated. I am pretty much losing my shit and so deafening.
That kind of
Plays A Part within you know, like being a Pisces lover as well. Like you're living so much in fantasy or you're wanting it to play out or certain scenario play out in certain ways. And when it doesn't then you end up getting upset. You also get it, you know her and it's a lot of just like blame on yourself.
So for me, like I said, like I'm a very like what I really like some someone is very romantic. I'm living in the clouds. I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, I just like playing like I'm playing a movie in my head.
On a constant basises. A bad moment. I just like playing out all these scenarios. And so I laugh because it's funny because you know, it's just a fantasy but um, but when I do love I love really hard and honestly like anything can become an attachment for me. So if I
Find you mentally stimulating I'm going to be attracted to you and I would want to be around you. You know, they physically I feel like I have a connection with you. Like I would want to be around you like there's within a lot of folk. I could have a whole bunch of crushes and it's just like one little thing that will attract me to that person and I feel like oh, I feel like I'm spiritually somehow like bound to this person. Like I can pop them. I need to meet them or
I'm going to constantly be thinking about them because I just
I think they're cool. So that's like a good and a bad thing to have as like a Pisces lover as well. But when it comes to like feel like a failed relationship or a again maybe a scenario, isn't
Coming out the way that you planned in your head. There's a lot of blaming yourself. You know, like what did I not do right. What did I do? A lot of like II like this person probably could have chopped my head off and then I'm going to still go back to being like, what do you mean absolutely? I absolutely I do absolutely and then I do get obsessive so
You know with the whole I say - I'm still going to be checking in on that person like oh like hey, how are you doing? Like I just wanna make sure you're okay Bubba blah or not even reaching out. I'm like stalking them Lowkey. It was internet stalking. It's like, oh like
So Im not like showing up at their house.Im not showing up at their place of work. Im just checking their status. Alot of it is me checking in to see if they got with someone really quickly then I'm like, okay, I can find the fault and like that. That's the thing. Is that like they were cheating on me or like they were like
I always try to find I think I feel like the check-in is trying to find out more on the why that I've why was it? Why did it not work out? Like what was it?Are they gonna say it .Are they gonna say it are they going to be emotionally sloppy one night on Instagram. Are they gonna text me? Are they going to post some of us some new person that they're interested in are they going to post some like, you know shitty ass thing about you that's not true are like what are they gonna what are they because you know, we're in a social media.
Platform in order to social media realm and so like a lot of our
A lot if we are like it is sort of our diary and it's hard to Dumping Ground. So I feel like we do find a lot more information in those spaces too. Right, it more like investagation of how the relationship ended or like more of like what do I do or what did I not even provide for them? Yeah. It does even speaking about like recent, you know these recent events.
You know, I
Like they went to someone who was lighter and skin tone someone who had longer hair someone who was a little bit shorter in stature someone who is
Quote unquote thick in the right places. And so yeah, like for a while that hurt me it made me upset and it kind of for me perpetuated like, okay, so like black women are just like for certain folks black women are just like black people just in general, but I think we're just used as sex objects and that's it like mainly like for fantasy and not for like
somethings that will be like a long-term. Hmm and that's like that is that is colorism works and those in colorism Works deeply and non-black spaces and it works in Black spaces as well. And yes specially when connected to our points of desirability, but before we go into that is going to be a big part of our conversation.
You're saying I think that there is a big part of that. I think we have been taught and seen I like we we have been given a visual Narrative of what intimacy is supposed to look like in Black spaces and nonblack spaces and like every single time and these spaces. It's like a very particular type of body a very particular type of like visual narrative. It is like, okay like if you are assigned male at Birth and you are going to look you're going to be like more chizziled .
you're going to be like you're not like if you're if you're identifying the category of like masculine male I said Etc then you're going to present a certain type of way. And so it's like a more slender body with muscles like, oh he's gonna have like a big dick and a fat ass and it's gonna be like, this is a very idealistic attractive type of man and for women. It's also that same narrative. It's like, oh she's going to be curvy and all the right places. She's gonna be like a thinner woman etcetera Etc. And so I feel like
Like obviously because we because we're really close and really good friends. Like I know that for sure a lot of our like a lot of our a lot of our fantasy and a lot of like our understanding like our a lot of our fantasy and a lot of our sort of like building this narrative in our head of like what it means to be in an intimate relationship with someone is because we haven't been allowed access to those spaces either.
And not necessarily like like we are unattractive like we are like it is not because like it's not reasons that like it's not necessarily reasons that are things that are in our own hands, you know, like and I think that there have been like times where we would like been a lot of taste of it. I think that really is that sort of like we need to revive someone of water so much and then you give them a little sip of water so damn they want more water and I feel like that's a thing that that's like a space that
We have been in a lot of ways specifically like being like larger bodied people and I and you know, right now we're going to this like interesting body journey of like trying to lose weight and trying to be more let's just say it does that yeah trying to be more desirable and it's like on one hand and said, we love our bodies. We love people who look like us we like love this again this thing or we love we love I think it's like a it's like so I know we're gonna get a shit for this
probbaly because I know that for sure it's like I have nothing against being plus-size. I have nothing against be a being I love being plus-size. I love being around people who are plus-sized. My family is plus size like these things are things like it is not about the plus-size ness itself, but being plus-size has also put me in this like weird space where like I haven't had access to intimacy until like it's like I don't even get to like Teenage intimacy. I didn't get to like I was all you know, I was a bigger kid than to like I didn't get to have any of those type of like intimate.
Obviously like atleast for my and it was like I was queer. I was taller I was bigger. Like I didn't necessarily like I like wasn't generically attractive. So like I didn't necessarily fit any of the things that like as high school students was like, oh like I am a desirable person to like want to be approached and then in college same fucking narrative did not change, but I was allowed sex now so I was like, okay like now my body is like
Like like now, I'm on a specific app that is for men who are looking for my body to then make it a sexual vessel and for them to like dumped their sexual desiribilities in that space again that also plays into like me being a lighter skinned person and like what visual narratives is that have for like them to have access to my body, especially as a person who like I primarily only sleep with and date black men.
Or afrolatinx or Latinx men in general like people of color are primarily just date people of color.
Or sleep with people of color and date people of color, but I think that like because my body has been like I because our bodies have been so stigmatized and not being a does not being desirable and not being seen as something that should be something of more.
We're like we were at the trophy wives we werent the we werent there like we weren't the teenage love stories. Like we just didn't fulfill those narratives and so like we sort of have to build those fantasies in our head and to like when we are building those fantasies and then someone might feel that fantasy and then someone might give you some of might lead you on to believing that that fantasy might be a possibility. It's like that is a big part of like why
SO much of it is like what did I do wrong? You know, like why? Why did I why am I not getting access to certain things? Like why am I like is it is it like and I think at least for me, I don't know if it's like that for you but like a big part of this idea because I'm big, you know, it's because I'm big and Meaty is because I'm like I'm big and I'm afraid to lose my relationship because I'm like visually not this type of person and because like there's like more attractive people around me and so it's like that is for sure insecurity of mine, but also like
I need another thing to be I think they're like the issue of these types of conversations. Is that like people are like, oh, this is all I can internalize thing, but it's like no. I've also been in relationships where like people either have or or I've been in relationships and I've been and things with people who where because my body looks the way that it does look either a they're afraid to have sex with me because I'm a bottom and I'm taller so it's like that happened to one relationship where like they flat out where like
Oh, like I was afraid to have sex with you because you're fat and that was like a moment and I also know that like there are certain people who have like been interested in and they are in like in like we have everything is like same level same wavelength like it is like we are in a relationship things are on the same fucking and I get feels like we are in a relationship, but I know that the reason why it didn't get to relationship status or doesn't go into
Since that is is solely based off of my body and not because I again not because we are an unattractive or not because I'm unattractive is fit literally just because I'm a bigger person and because it's like the stigmatization of like the soil or anything but like I said, it stigmatized but at the desirability of my body is not like there will always be someone who is smaller who has a fat ass who hasn't thought of that. Well block wears like more aesthetically like more in the mainstream of for my world. It's a queer world.
It's queer world interest with that gay men and there's like a body type that is the most desirable and so like if the person can and if the person was to be given my body or that body like it was it normally that they would go for that body, but also might be like me and trying to look for the wrong person.Its steems from external forces
from external sources. Yeah, like the only reason why I'm feeling this way.
External sources. So whether it's media whether
They're like I've interacted with like that all plays a part in so then that becomes internalized and so again like when you haven't been seen as I guess this are desirable in a away or like even in some cases being seen as a just a homie like it does mess with you a little bit like, okay, so then where
Where do I go? How do I navigate to essentially get what you know, I desire and well I want yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's also like
Yeah, yes. Yes. It's like how do I get how do I get access to that sort of like fantasy romance? So we're constantly thrown in our face, you know, like how do we get access to the possibility of dating someone who actually like wants our body no matter what it looks like and like who is not a is not trying to like fetishize us and like
We're not trying to up because I got bodies are going to constantly be shifting. And so it's like how it like I don't want to go into like a fetish type of relationship because like I know that my body will change so it's like if the person is like so Desiring, I'm like me being 600 800 pounds and I lose a certain amount of weight that I'm no longer that wait. I do not weigh 600 800 pounds by the way, but like let's say that they want me to get that weight or that's like what it is.
you know like if I leave that the not going to desire me anymore? Because it's like all based in fetish and not based in nessicarliy like me as a person.
And also too I feel like what I don't know what it's like in other countries, but like we're also basing this off of why I like to believe we are basing this off and American society. Absolutely.
But absolutely again, we're basing it of an american society and
It's the you know, though.
I guess at least for like like my type of body type. It's big breasts making sure you're curvy and you got an ass
yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
And then that also because we're in an American context and because America it is that I think the interesting part of that too is like we are an existing an American context but also the way that colorism works in America is also thing that works in other countries too. And so I think that like now, you know now that we're on the conversation of colorism, so I think that that is a that is also a part of the way that our desirability are being navigated.
Emotionally I try to find people who are conscious of colorism and conscious of like all of those types of public politics racial queer body, etc, etc. And try to like date people who are like more aligned just like my own politics and my own morals, but I think in a sexual space, I think that for sure my body is like lusted more or less than over even as like a bigger size person like my body is more lest it over in that space because I am lighter skinned and because I can like you
I can like pass as someone who is more like racially ambiguous and that's a thing that like I know like the other plus size dark skin queer.
Either fems or gay men etcetera Etc. Like I'm like, they're dealing with it in a very different context and they have a different.
Understanding of that space to yeah, and for me so in the past I've used tinder
Most of most of the people who actually like hold a conversation or hit me up our folks who are lighter lighter or white not saying like I don't get any love from black folk but the ones who actually hold a conversation with him like these apps or want to get a chance to
Even have this sexual experience. It comes from or who are lighter POC or white people and for some yes, it is fetish. Absolutely.And that doesnt necessarily make me feel better either
To know me you're just interested in me and my body because I fit quota ohhhhhh I've never had this experience before so I really want to try it out and see what it's like.
So part of me also thinks and I know
I don't know. I feel like what I'm about to say is kind of problematic.
But part of me thinks it's
Maybe like also like what am I putting out there? That's making it seems as though like it's okay for people to approach me in that way because I know usually on the profiles.
First I start out with you know, like my name, of course my interest which are usually like very simple like muisc art or dancing but then I go into this is my horoscope is my turn and then I use I use labels like Kirby. I'm plus-size. I you know like this so part of me thinks like oh do you think
But this type of language that I'm using is invoking people to talk to me in that sort of way and also experiment so part of me that so just to finish my thought little bit of part of me thinks like in a way yes, but then a part of me is like no because I should be able to identify myself with any sort of words that I want. And so if you are interpreting this in your sort of way and that's your issue
More like you you're misunderstanding what I'm saying? I don't know. It's it means like a double-edged sword a little bit, but then it's not I don't know. It's because I because they're it because when I say it out loud, it's like oh my gosh, like like I'm victim-blaming. I don't think so because I think I like even like even like hearing you be like, oh like I put in my title that I am curvy. There's also like I feel like there's like maybe like and you
Like I think we are I think we are lucky enough to have each other and to have like like being both plus-size people being both from the same racial backgrounds, even though we deal with the obviously like colorism like we did with the differently. I think we've had like, I feel like there's an unspoken thing for like fat people and like people are sized people like when it comes to like dating apps of like, oh you have to put like what you look like so they're not like so they don't feel like you're being catfished even though like
They don't look like they dudes dont put their dick size and their fucking profiles. Like, how do I know? I'm not being catfish for your dick, you know, like like that's not fair.It like you TOP ! But does it say well hung! not that their... you know I adore all dick sizes
But I think that likE plus size people specifically we have to put that we have to put that like where we're bigger because it's like it is like we have seen those like shows and like all of these types of things were like even like the show Catfish itself. It's like, oh it's like the person in the page is like this like really like it looks like the person who like it was in person, but maybe it was like them like three years ago and it's like them a little bit smaller or different angle and it's like, you know, like obviously we all know our best angles like we might not look exactly the way we look at
But if you look at me, if you look at me stading on a chair look at me from above it will be the same bitch trust, but I think that we have to put those types of things because of shows like that because of like the way that desirability works. Is that like we have to let you know exactly what you're getting yourself into so that I don't get the brunt of that emotional trauma, you know, like I don't I don't want that brunt of like, oh like damn this fucking fat bitch on a lot like there was even like one time where it's like, I remember specifying in this fucking grindr .
conversation and I was like, I'm a big girl like for sure like are you okay with that is always a good thing that you're into you know, like and that's like another thing that's like we shouldn't have to do that. It's like it's so annoying but its a thing that is a part of that Community unless you're going into spaces were like look at like the community is a series of big people or people who are Desiring of larger people, but I remember being very clear about that and I remember like me going downstairs to go like open the door for him and I like see him right there. He's gonna phone.
Having a conversation and he was like pretedning that I'm not there and I'm like and I can tell that oh like he didn't realize how big I was so he didn't realize it and I wasn't whatever like I was like, my picture is very clear. I'm like, I'm a taller bigger person. You can see it in my photos you like. I'm very clear about I'm like, oh I wait X y&z before you come over. So it's like you should have a perception of what I look like already based off of what I'm giving you and so like him like sitting standing there.
And it was also like the only white guy I have ever like trying to hook up with on Grindr. I think that's the reason why I stopped like oh, yeah white guys are just not for me. Also. I'm not that attracts. Like I said, but like I just remember him like being there this like guy who like clearly is like it clearly was coming over because he fetishizes bigger people clearly. It's coming over because he fetishizes like my body, etc, etc. Because he's like a more like muscular certainly looked up like he looks like a certain type of way.
He likes saw, look, we made eye contact and he person on the phone and then like walks away. And so it's like so it's like stuff like that happens. If you're not like completely transparent and honest and so it's like it's not it's not problematic. It's not our fault like we have to do these things like unfortunately in the dating app world in the world where it's like everything is super like, you know, like oh like I only want to date people who like aesthetically select a certain type of way.
Because it's like is it Instagramable is it like is it like are people going to be like damn you got the best one are like, etc, etc. Even though like in every other aspect of intimacy. We like fall into the fucking categories that people are like absolutely looking for or absolutely wanting or actually designed. It's like I like, you know, obviously gonna go on a little tangent because I want this on paper but it's like, you know, like there was clearly like one person would like I desired very much.
And what they were looking for in a person that they desired I fit every single fucking category. I fit every category besides the physical appearance. It was like I fit the category emotionally feel like I fit the category like mentally like spiritually like every single aspect of who I was it was like it just not physically it's like you desired every single aspect and it's also like I don't even talk to that extent. It's like it's only like
in the sense of like
And it's like the like, uh, like maybe like my curves aren't exactly in the place where you want them to be or like I'm a little bit taller than like your ideal person, but it's like but every single other aspect and that even like let's like and I'm like, I know that even like now I'm like whatever. I just hate that about being in spaces with people who I'm attracted to a people who I
Find an attractiveness or people who I'm like damn. It's like I'm in the clear space and it's like
I'll be in the space and I know that I'm worth it. And I know that I'm worthy and I know that I have more capacity than probably half the people in the fucking room and then like I know that I'm a fucking catch like I know that for sure I feel like especially if you're a person who's looking for like a bottom and you're looking for someone who's like a emotional. I'm like sexually my game is a fucking one like I have practice because like yo like a day like, you know, especially because there is a narrative that like, oh being a big
girl, like you have to be like more like oh like it being a girl. It's like you like like I hate you have to compensate a yeah. It's like oh because it's like, oh like you're finally it's like, oh like they're there if you are even able to have sex with someone that's like, oh like they could have sex with whoever they want and they gave you like it took a Pity fuck to some extent. So that means you gotta like be the best I've had sex because it's like, oh you want them to be like, oh wait like big girls are actually worth.
With having sex with outside. There's so many narratives that are fucked up with all these types of things and it's like we can go on forever talking about it too. But I guess what I'm trying to say, is that like in so many ways we fulfill these narratives that like people are expecting us in the fill. Like we are kind we are caring were freaks when we need.to be where her husband we're fun were funny. We're like, we're part like we were we we we become the ideal and every single other aspect.
Because you don't see me as the ideal physically and it's like I think that the real issue is that we are constantly try like
I'd like to some extent it's like I want to believe that the issue is that maybe I'm just looking for the wrong person, but it's like if the only access I have is on the internet to like find some other myself. It's like I can just go up to every one person to be like, are you queer you to queer the trying to figure out who's gay and who's not gay are who is like down for like someone who is like not the not the gender that they were assigned at Birth or who is down for someone who's like a little different. somone who is more femme presenting
Based on the famous space like who like it's like it's hard to find those people and like real life. It's like if you don't fulfill the narratives of like what people automatically assume it's like you're like gender and sexual identity is then it's like the only my big part of like my dating pool is on socialism social spot for them. So it's like like even like Instagram sometimes I'm like, I got dates off of Instagram here and there because it's like they see me I talk I like it's like the assumption is that they like me based off of like the things that
At least part of the way that I present myself on like social media, but it's like what is our dating pool? Like how do we even get a dating pool? It's like we're no longer in college in college that sucked anyways, because it's like we weren't even the ideal person. So like no one was really coming up to us and which like our school was predominately while then it's like, you know that it's like what what is there like, what is it? Like what like, where do we find people who want us like, where is there a fat people meet, you know, like if they're you know, like I know in the like a thing like
Growlr is where like plus-size men like plus-size men or this term called Chaser which is like smaller men who are looking for plus size people. It's like that but at this like we know that those apps I use for me. I know that that app Grindr etc, etc Scruff like they're all just sex. It's just sex so it's like yes, I can find someone to fuck me for sure. But where do I find someone to be in an intimate relationship with looks like that is like a one in a fucking million. That's the hardest fucking thing to do. That's the thing like you can have so you can
Find someone to have sex with anywhere off the street.
An app to have sex with anybody but it's just it's hard finding someone who wants that like long relationship and that's and I think that's the
That is the point that we're at now. It's like I think in college I know for myself. I was filling the void of like a genuine connection with sex because I just I enjoy sex and I like being sexual and I like being in the sexual space.
But I know that I was like I was doing that because I like I like the like 5 minutes cuddling that happens after you know, like it's like I would have sex with all these men and my body comes really high but I would have sex with all these men and a majority of it was like to fulfill the after the author is to fulfill that like that like monitor like that momentary moment of like
Oh, like, you know they like they want to hug me or some shit like that. Like, oh they're wanting to do all of these other things and because there is your love language. That is my love language. I like physical touch.
And I think that oh my God now it's like
The unfortunate part about that is that I also wasn't safe and so like I was a little reckless and my sex times and you know, I should have been using protection and like now I'm an individual who is hiv-positive and so like now it's like even
I think like went before that. I sort of felt like a superhuman and I was like whatever I'll just have sex because I'm like trying to fulfill this type of void. And then now I'm like fuck I need to be more conscious of the way that I'm having sex with people but also I like I no longer just want to have sex like I want to be in an intimate relationship like I don't
I don't I don't want that anymore. Like I want to have like
I want it and I kind of need it now to its right now. I like I like I want it because I'm like I desire to be I want to get married. I did I want to be in a relationship. I want to hold the fort down with someone. I want to be a ride die. I want to have a nice house. I don't want to pay for all of that I wanna pay for half of it. Like I just like I want those types of things but I also need it now because like I need to be able to feel comfortable and to be able to be like, okay like here is
My body and my body is the way it is and here are all the things that come with my body and part of it is that like my body will consistently fluctuate because I have loved to fucking eat and I like to binge eat sometimes and like there's like a depressive be a lot to my body, huh the happy and then I eat. Yeah, like you know what?
But also like now I'm like fuck like now I have like a medical thing that I have to worry about to and now I have to be like consistently transparent without as well. Now it's like yes, like my body holds this thing and like I take care of myself very well medication is very accessible and I'm able to take this one little pill and I can't even give it to anyone now and that's like and I think in the beginning used to give me a lot of anxiety.
But I also was lucky enough to be in a relationship already and to have someone who's like comfortable and okay with me having it and having unprotected sex after I had my we can also go into like if you ever want to have a conversation about HIV we can also go there's there's a lot of things but there's just one thing called undetectable and so you get to the point of undetectable and then you're able to like have sex with someone and so on. It's like so low in your bloodstream. You can't give it to anyone but
I'm a bottom. It's in a lot of ways like there's even like less risk for you getting it like really is from like semen to semen or something like semen to body our blood to body and so it's like you can't really get in my bloodstream because it's like it's my blood like my blood doesn't you can't it doesn't have enough of it to be like seen in a scanner. But also I'm not coming in no one very much a bottom , but I thought that means a lot like that means I sort of need it and want it now.
Now more than more than anything because I like I don't I also just don't want to fuck a lot of people sex is great. But it's like, you know this maybe that maybe we can move on to like what like what that's about physical intimacy means to us too because it's like I think the thing too is that like I know for myself I think because people are afraid of my body in a lot of ways and then because I'm a plus-size person. It's like there's like a somewhat of a fear of my body, too.
And I'm a person who is a like.
In the context of sex I'm a very aggressive person. Like I like I'm a very much of a bottom but I do like to be submissive but I also like to be touched and I like to be felt and I like all of my body every single aspect like every single part of it. I wanted to be touched. I want to feel that like in the context of sex I will do whatever you ask I will do whatever I feel like I need to I want to do I will do whatever I consent to it.
Thing that I will do but you know all the vanilla stuff, you know, and some Kink stuff too. It's like, you know, like I'll go to that I'll go to the extent, you know, give a mean sloppy toppy. I'd like fuck your I like I will do all the things that you want me to do sexually, but I also like I want that back to like I want this sort of like like if I'm putting a hundred and fifty percent I want you to also put 200 in like I want I want it's like I'm a bottom I need to cum too.
To like I want to come too. I want my dick sucked to I want to be smacked. I want to be choked. I want all of that good stuff and I want to have access to that sexually and I can't have the full range of bodies as our ability body. Like it's like kneading dough. Like I can't get that like full like body like a lot of new fleshy. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to say it, but I can't be I can't be I can't I can't have that.
Hand gesture that happens when you're needing do if I'm not in a committed relationship like I'm not going to get that I'm not going to get the full range of like you're not gonna know what I want completely sexually, this is our first time having sex. They also don't even know if I'm comfortable with allowing you to know every single aspect of my sexual desires to and you're probably not going to tell me all that. But like, you know what I think that's like
Porn plays into that in a way that like, you know, like you see porn and then it's like oh, yeah just do the things that porn is telling me to do and because of porn I'll do those things. It's like but no like
You know wants like deep throat, you know, there's just so many.
Visually through pain there's so many ways to like show this one realm of sex, but it doesn't necessarily show like the health but not in all cases. But like it's okay that doesn't show like that healthiness of it where it's like in the beginning you have a conversation of like what is it that you like? Oh, what is it? This is what I like, you know leading up to that point because all porn does it show you straight.
The fucking its auction action
Because there is Aftercare to it's like it's like, you know, like I'm like obvious from like for myself. I like to be choked. I like to be smacked. I like to be like throwing around here and there and I like to be sub in a lot of ways until like but the after care of that for it's like, okay, like what if you hit too hard I have to like soothe my body. It's like can we can we make sure that like there's a transitional period from like, okay that was sex and
Submissive and I am interested in that space But you are now not going to be like that person in like our actual eyes. Like I like that is a bedroom space for me and in real life. I'm not going to be a sub like, I'm actually like take a lot of fucking control. I'm like, no. I want things a certain way and I want to be treated kindly and I want things to be equal and I will not stand for anything outside of equal, you know, great and also,
Hold on.
Oh, yeah, but also to is like everyone's body is different as well. Like when it comes to just like instant display physical intimacy to it's like what you did to the individual yesterday is the what I like.
So that's why I'm supporting doesn't give you any of that.
The unclarity of like content sometimes and like the like the the weird like
Talk about what it looks like like the full full range of consent for me. It's the consent for me for.
It's so like a lot of it for me.
It's still like very like fantasy in a way, but I but I know what I want. I know what I want to do. I know what I like because
Didn't
Because growing up I was raised as
You know like your body is a temple you need to take care of it, but what we're really saying was like being a virgin until marriage period
Because if we're treating bodies like temples and don't be like feeding me fast food like give me some cooked meals every once in a while, but I'm not going to go into that. It's so you know, like pretty much like staying a virgin until marriage. So, you know, I carried that with me.
Throughout a lot of my time in middle school and high school, but then once I got to college and started, you know meeting new people and you know, my suppose desire has enough ever went up but I still had that like oh
I'm afraid to have intimacy physically one because
I don't know how I am when it comes to something like that. I I know for a fact I would I want I want a bod and so for me to have that physical intimacy and then possibly not being able to see that person again or like even talk to them like it would mess with me mentally because then it will go back to
If I have no go back to okay, what did I do wrong? You know this like it's self-sabotaging self hate. It would just pop up again because again, I had a recent experience.
I thought I was ready,. It was good of course. It was actually great.
But I knew that but once this individuals stop talking to me, I started you know, essentially like going crazy like oh, what do they do? They're ignoring me. He'd even establish that was like a hookup or anything like there was no communication. And so, you know, I'm trying to get communication, but you're not giving it to me. It's like I'm doing so much work. I'm doing so much.
Labor trying to get information, but at the end of the day this individual doesn't even care because the was really fulfilling something for them the feeling possibly even a quota and I know for a fact it was like, oh this individual likes me. I see that this person has an interest
Horny, as well. So I'm just going to do what I got to do and then just bounce.
And I know for a fact too that this person does, you know fetish darker skinned black cisgender women.
And so for me like I still
Like I know what I want because I've explored myself so much to our he know what I desire what I want.
But like I said, I need to have some sort of stability. I need to have communication. I need to know that it is the individual is with me at least for a while. Like I know nothing lasts forever. I would hope that the relation will last forever but at least for a while so that I don't feel.
That emptiness that comes with
Are you being able to or us being able to have that interaction and then we just go our separate ways. Mmm.
Because like I said once I
Feel like I'm
Attached to you spiritually. I'm there is really no getting away from you.
Like you're gonna be in my mind whether I like it or not. I guess people in my past that I do are so on my mind from high school. It's like
Can we go to the next room? Yeah, our brain their Allah they are very much alive and they think too much about the same shit over and over again. Like I guess they're so I think that we could only myself and you can only go so much into like the political aspects of this space specifically like desirability political aspects.
Obviously like body size colorism gender stuff. I think that's all things that like we touched on a little bit because the reality is I like we can write books on this stuff, you know, like and they're people who have read books in this stuff and I'll put some links below or some books that you should read below in my podcast today, but I think the you know, like I think that
I think those are all things that like we like for sure. It is something that we take into consideration. There are things that we talked about pretty frequently there things that are friends talk about pretty frequently and this is like there's like a large scheme of all of this stuff and if you're interested in talking to us the more totally hit us up on Instagram and stuff like that, but I think the I think what I want to end it off with is that I think the reality is that we myself and you really like intimacy.
Okay, I think we really like the thought of intimacy we like the thought of relationships. We like the thought of like we both like areas. We had we both like love that is the thing it really I think what heightens it is is our playlist like them very much for like 90s R&B like me like this happen.
A baby like, you know not like the break apart. But like that's what is your what is your
What is that 90 R&B song that like a wolf like a has awakened or awoke or has like really?
Obviously like I feel like 90s R&B song that really puts you in the mood and it was sort of kind of it. It's the conical is that pushes you into like this love relationship Obsession type of thing. So are we
Okay, cuz there's two cats. There's two categories. I'm thinking out when you say that so love it. I really want to be in like a relationship.
See that's the thing is that when I think of the RB sometimes I'm like, they're all kind of both, you know, like there's obviously like the hyper sexual ones, but I'm like even when they're talking about love, you don't have to talk about lovemaking at the same time, you know, but you can stay both you can stay both because I know that like for me it's like yes 90s 90s is like I'm very particular type of like intimacy love sex. It's a very like it's kind of like that needing of that do like, you know, like it is a very like like body like very
Body sexual thing to me, but also like very like like romantic like very like love love love like oh, you know, I think 90s R&B does that but I also think like, okay. So yeah, that's just go with that but I think for me and so I like the 90s R&B is the thing and then I also think that like, but that love like when I think of like love, okay.
So when it doesn't have to be 90s R&B either it could be something else if you have something else.
So well the like the first thing that comes to mind when I
When you said love was like it went it went tonight, but like case happily ever after like that song. Like that's always like they like I really want that. He's live the song. He's really talking about like one day like I'm like, I'm coming into the house. I'm giving you this ring like you about to be my wife. We're going to live a happy life together. And if you look up the music video Beyonce's in it, I think she was sick.
Or whatever way what is a case?
The song
What is Your Love Song? Like what is the one that's like every time you hear it? It's like you just it is like
Like if you were to have like a biopic of your life and you were walking and you and your partner were walking down the street, like what is that song that is going to play at that one moment. It would be ours.
You know, I put me in a little field is so fine by me.
Like the kind you find in the dream of his life and it's like she's almost unreal.
If you like, she's like a Fantastical woman coming to life and like he desires he's in a trance. I not for sure. It's like my 90's like that's kind of like as a young person kind of like threw me and this sort of like put me in the the space of love and sex and intimacy and then I think that
And I think the what the song that has been my like so funny.
Obviously, you know, I think you know, we're thinking about desirability but I will say that my song of like
Like when I think of like my by I'll be I'll be seeing you by Billie Holiday. Yeah, I think I'm like, I'm an older type of like I think the 90s for me is like for sure sex and love it's like it really is like the 90s R&B is like the epitome of like black love. It's like very much like oh, it's a very
Sensual and beautiful in this heartbreak and there's this and there's that and it kind of reminds me of Like Love and Basketball, you know, like like it's it's like trials and tribulations. It's like it's like he cheats cheats to get back together because they were meant to be and so it's like that is like what 90s like that does that for me? But I think the like the love for me like when I think of like
When I think of myself in my home seeing my partner and me interacting in the same space together and I imagine what is playing on the record player. It really is Billie Holiday. Like I think I'm just like like I think there's like a different type of like
I think my love is a slow dance, you know, like my love for sure is like that like that moment where like
You know don't judge me all but you know, this is one seen insects in the city where it's like it's I like there's just like I don't erase that not the sexiest City, but they're just what there's like there's these like moments and movies were like two people there's like a song playing whatever song is but it doesn't matter what it could be. Like, it could be D of X, right, but because these two people like love each other so much they just like it's like the world isn't there anymore and they liked commented?
Hug each other and they're like slow dancing with each other. It's like in the middle of the night and this is like the stars. It's like a very like overtly romantic overtly momentary type of like it's like it like that feels like a certain like the love that is like
That is like ageless. It feels like an agent's love to me. And I think that's the love that I want and I feel like the 90s love is like an off-and-on type of love and I but I feel like yeah.
I believe so.
Maybe a little later.
The 40s
But I think that like that time period like there wasn't the internet there wasn't like a vast amount of people. It was like such a particular type of like and obviously like I'm romanticizing it but there's such a particular type of like
Like they had to like really want each other to like be with each other because they knew that like this is going to be forever.
Kind of like the notebook, you know, like they died in bed together. I want that. I want you to die when I die.
But I think we should.
I think our last thing should be the last thing I last thing I put down.
Was like marriage stuff. How do you attract the right energy? What is the negative energy, but I think that we should talk about like our I think I would like for us to I think this there's two things I want to end it with. Okay, there's two things that I want to say now and then I want to end up with like one obviously like bang, but I would like for you to Envision your perfect partner.
And then I would like for you to Envision the perfect first date.
Okay.
But I tell you yeah, do I have to discover what this person looks like doesn't have to be like necessarily like what their physical appearances but like so talking about desirability like, you know, it's not it would be farce for us to pretend like we don't have a certain attribute. He's that we liked more than others. You know, I
And I've been thinking about this a lot because I want to be in a relationship.
Like really attractive now like with people that have like questions on and then like hearing them speak is vulnerability like emotional vulnerability and then obviously like I said in the beginning
I like someone who can stimulate me mentally emotional vulnerability someone who isn't afraid to like speak about like your pants like something that's hurting them something that's bothering them and talking through things.
So I don't have like a physical but person in my head like that actually pops into my mind first. So who loves the same music as I do which is everything what mainly like RV hip-hop very
70s 80s 90s
And then honestly like this is really boring. But our date would just be like a regular dinner is like going out to dinner because I like to eat but then like I was just walking around and having a conversation and so when I think of
Dating or like that first time or feeling a spark with someone. I honestly go back to how we started like I want to be able to
I just feel like myself.
Feel my cork yourself and just be like, hey, you're late. How's it going? And then we talked for hours. So that's how we met and dad that level of Love curiosity and interest like that's what I want us the basically like a best friend like basically you want to date a best friend.
Best friend period
I don't want to play into like I'm the woman you're the man and so like we play certain roles. I like I like I think for a while that used to be like a fantasy of mine and I used to like the thought of like fulfilling that narrative for a man or you know on any type of person because I genders are relevant to some extent but obviously, yes, like I think that like for me, I think it's like I think that was like nice like the fantasy of that was nice because I think that like that is kind of what were shown but I think we're reality. I'm like, oh I want
I want us all to cook in to eat and to clean and to do all those types of things. Like I wanted to be like a very like even type of like even type of Labor I think again my copper core tasks and I put that out there. Yes, I want faster. Absolutely.
Absolutely, or like or like how we've done it in the past two. I think that like sometimes you need more, you know, like sometimes you need more emotional attention or more physical attention or maybe even like Financial attention. There are times where like maybe you need that more and for the next three months. It's like, oh turn your just needs that and then like we go back to normal, but then there's like if I needed that then you all for like another time like if I needed that down the line then you would also give me that too.
And I feel like as long as it feels like there's like a balance. It's like I don't mind like doing the most especially like when my partner necessarily needs the most but the has to be able to be reciprocated, you know, like it can't just be you know, we've done in the past where it's like, okay, like, you know, I'm broke. I'm broke Mama's but we want to go out to eat until we're going to use turn years money this month to go out to eat and then next month. I'm not broke and so we're using my money to go out to eat and it's and you probably have money too, but it's like I just wanted to be like even and I wanted to be
E like I want us to show that like, oh the like the these Dynamics is not they're not based in like what our genders are there like based in like what we feel comfort and doing so it's like I don't like taking out the trash but you like taking out the trash and I don't want it to be like a gendered thing and I wanted to be like well, like maybe I just know how to cook and you can't cook. It's like then I'll cook and that's fine too. But then you better be really good with that Hooper Itza, you know, you better be really good at picking up take out, you know, like that better be a thing that I think emotional I think okay. So here's the big one.
I feel like emotional intelligence is like a really big thing emotional intelligence the people huh. Can you define that for the absolutely I think emotional intelligence is when how do you put it emotional intelligence has been like I don't know. I don't think I necessarily know the definition per se or like I'm a botched definition, but it's just like it's like when you emotional intelligence is when you are able and capable of and being in tune with your emotion, so you're able to talk about when you
Feel uncomfortable when things feel good when things go bad when things need to be changed one thing needs to be like you just you are capable of talking you are capable of talking about your emotions. Yeah, and you are also capable of receiving feedback on what is happening might like what my emotional state is how our how can it be better? How can it change? How can it shift but also emotional intelligence in the way that like, maybe this is more like social intelligence. I don't know but in the
That like I'm hoping to be with someone who is like understanding of like how thinking of it very intersectional thinking about intersectionality. Like every aspect of my body is going to be defined differently in every space that I go into. So it's like, you know as a person who identifies as a woman who identifies with she hers like not in every space is not going to be safe. And so there are spaces where I allow it to not be I love myself to be here.
Him if I need to be and I think that's like that could dance like a sense of like social and emotional intelligence. Another one could be like
Like, you know that like there are certain I just want someone who's like able and capable and aware of like reading a room reading me and like being able to understand where I'm coming from and that's basically it it's like if you have if you have a solid understanding of what I'm saying, maybe you don't experience it. Maybe it's not who you are. Maybe like you didn't socially grow up this way. Are you doing emotionally grow up this way, but you are able to communicate that and you are able to see where I'm coming from and where you are coming from and that is a part of the conversation, you know, like that needs to be then used to be there.
There's so many things I want.
And pause and communication understanding and really amazing sex. That's all I want. I think sex is a big thing too. You know, it's like I want it. I want someone who is like very sexually compatible but I also want someone who is sexually open to this especially is like again identifies the bottom but sometimes, you know, there are other things, you know, there's some hot intent I got some top Tendencies to I'm still not gonna fuck you, but I'm gonna find a dildo.
To 5ue like that is not a big deal to me, but I'll put a strap for you baby and then my ideal figure out how to write that.
I woke up showered felt very cute douched just in case, you know, I made myself feel I took I took a couple hours in the morning to really rejuvenate my body. So I'm face mask nice shower. Rubbed my own feet put some lotion on put my little
My little Spritz of the Versace perfume, maybe Chanel. It depends what they did is put in a very cute outfit. My like go to outfit on first dates is always all black. It's a funeral are like just whatever outfit makes me feel comfortable but also cute because I'm like Derek of elephants that I like. I'll put them on just for the cuteness of it, but they don't necessarily comfortable for the whole day because I like because the
Perfect for date would be for me would be a whole day event. It would just be like a full beginning to end, you know, goodnight kiss one more but so we went to breakfast I saw him. I have really scared. I got really nervous a little butterflies and I saw him and he saw me and he was a lot cuter than I expected and he thought that I was the bomb.com.
Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt but that's a great one. Oh my God.
We had a breakfast which is my favorite meal of the day at a diner. It was very cute. Like food was like delicious, you know, we like talked for like several hours and we were literally just like drinking coffee at one point. It was just like he was like we the table so we're seeing a little too long conversation conversation went really beautifully. We got to know each other better then it was like
Like oh like how he was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm not doing anything else. I was like I have to stay free. I have this this is what I'm doing today. And so it was like do you want to spend more time together? I was like, absolutely and and so we ended up doing we had some going, you know, he paid for the first meal which is very gentlemen of him. But you know, I'm always down for going dutch if I need to, you know, I don't play those like, you know, I would like
For every mile of mine, but you know, but then so then we go to we go to the psych hotel lounge and then it's like it's like a bar and so then we're just like getting drunk and we're not going well when I get in trouble for drinking or conversation or just drinking and then we had a really beautiful light dessert that we split. It was so good. It was like so I was like chocolate on chocolate on chocolate.
That's kind of my obsession lately is like lots of chocolate and then he was like you want to go to a movie and I was like sure and then we go to the movies. The movies has like a you know, a little arcade thing. We like the movie is not for like another two hours as we obviously just we were just like let's just go and then we pick the movie that obviously starts two hours later. And so then we're like playing and you know me and try to be very cute trying to like play all the games cute like trying to stick up my butt just
Will be try to come because you know, I can't help it. You know, I win every single one. I let him win one and then he got a little too big-headed that I want again, but then there was like this one game and no one could see that was our first kiss and it was very cute because I was like dying to do that the whole entire time and he was two and then we're just like any sort of like enamored with each other and it's just like we're looking at each other.
The constant eye contact not even saying words but like giggling. I think it's like the perfect like it's like all about that like inner child is like, oh can I stimulate that further inner child and if my inner child is stimulated and I'm like, oh, this is a good day.
And then we go watch our movie. It's a great movie. It's like obviously one that we watched already, but we just wanted to watch it together and then we go for dinner and you know, he tells me about himself and he like tells me like all of his flaws and whatever was kind of like a game like how we first met it was just like constant like emotional. Everybody says the conversation conversation. This is who I am. This is who I am. This is my life story is your life story.
You know and he was like really nervous about having like Asperger's and like being like Oh, it's the things I have like, can we like I'm in a Time disclose this with you.
It was like whatever like, you know, like you think fine to me and I like being around you and that's what matters and I like, you know, and then he like and then I was just like a lot and then we just walked home and it was like three hours away. So we walked from the movie theater all the wake up fucking cow hole and back to like where the dorm was and so like the movie theaters like to give people like it's like it was it was near Fishtown not here first time like Port Richmond.
I don't know. It's like near where the water is and Philadelphia like that. Like little space is like a movie theater there and I lived all the way near Temple. So I thought was already a half an hour car drive. So walking was like three hours, but it was like we walked we held hands we got scared when we hold hands again. And then we just like we saw every other five minutes. It was just like it was just a really cute because it was like just a really like
We didn't need to be talking to one entire time. It was enough just like be in each other's presence and that was nice and then I'll be like when I got home it was like
Will you pot we had some wine we poured the wine we talk some more and then it was getting really late. I was like now it was like 2:00 in the morning.
And then he just gives me a kiss. Goodbye and Kohl's home and it was just like
Cloud fucking 9 for the rest of the day until I saw him again. It was just like
It's probably the one relationship that I probably like regret not devoting myself to or not giving I think I was just like and we also went out again. So it's like, you know things to change and shift it but we just weren't right for each other.
But I think that yeah, like oh and then we like slow dance before he left and so that was like, okay we liked each other.
You know you've met in like a different life for.
The connection is just like hmm. So there's nothing like when you can really find someone that you click with so well that twin flame shit, right? Where do we find out in Flames? That's what I want. I'm gonna do a dance in the rain and say Lord, please. Please point me to the
Right direction Lowell thinking of playing the right direction. I think we should end it off with
At first I was like, oh we should do like here's our advice, but I'm realizing that like, you know, I am a meddler in a lot of ways and I you know, I'm a different type of person. I just like to give out advice by Capricorn, you know, it's there but I almost just like who's need to do things on their own, you know, like he will need to figure out who they are and everything is like to
Experience the way that you want to experience it, but what if someone wants to come up to you because I think that is the advice that is the advice that we are going to be ending with because I think that like, you know, I think sometimes people fear us a little bit, you know, like are afraid to come up to us or like maybe they don't know a lot of times people think that were dating a lot of ways.
Junior year Valentine's Day. It was sophomore, but I'll let her have her Junior. No, I'm I'm telling you.
Because you were living in the dorm second year with other people and that's when it happened.
I'm telling you it was June.
Gia Alicia yes. I was that year.
Was the one with the with Naomi and then the other two in the is the room I'm telling you it is it was that year. Okay, I we both okay. Either way. We got married in college and it was Valentine's Day. Hello Harry.
A while so we are day.
They put the platonically I was like, where are you gonna put the part that we know fuck you?
I'm sorry. I'm afraid of pussy like we're just period it all started when I asked no. Well, can I go see your room? Oh my God, and it's been like it's almost been ten years. Now. We are like in our ninth year of friendship. I'm gone. Yes, it's nine. I technically count our freshman year as the first year that we became.
It was maybe 10 years at the end of this would be 10 years and next year next year September or August September I want to say is October but it's not it was not that late into the semester. It was literally the first month that we were there.
No.
No, but I thought it was like
Early, October
I'll give you this one.
We tried to approach people but it doesn't really work that well because you know, sometimes we like don't know how to resize properly.
So I think that like, you know moving on forward, I think we're like we're at the point where we're letting people reach us and leave I'll call out to us when they want to be with us unless we're feeling very bold than it but that's it's a very particular type of feeling. I know sometimes we are bold you never know. Okay. So what is the advice that you give?
What is the advice that you give someone know? What's up roach? Who was the holler at you?
So you can reach me at pumpkin spice and just gorgeous.
I'd be transparent just say hey, like how are you doing? Like chicken? I'll be like, oh like I really want to you know.
Talk to you I really want to know go out like be a little bit blunt cuz you know for like the well sir this stock for me to read signs. So just be a little to be transparent the beginning so just straightforward. They just go in for the kill basically well.
Right away at least like say hi. How you doing? Let me answer and then say it but one of their ready I want if it's someone that you already know.
And they want to reach out to me and like what if it's like, I don't know. We're gonna bleep out his name, but what if it's like Marcus, you know, like what?
Like what?
You know, like what was so great about today and if it wasn't like what would you do to make it better? Thank you and that you go into.
So I would like to do this.
This mmm, I like that. I like that. So if it's a so to clarify if it's a stranger get to know her first, but hit her up on her insta, but if it's a familiar, you know, the T, you know, her number 508, you know where to get with you know how to communicate.
I think for me if you don't know me already, you know, obviously like I'm very present on my Instagram because that's where I sell and make work and you know, try to be an artist and have a visual problem. No El pelo. It's my my English name. No, El Pollo Loco. It doesn't give it doesn't allow me to put the Accents in it, but obviously knowing Palladium and also if you say my name properly when you first meet me, so yeah, so basically
Ali
Hit me up on Instagram or whatever, you know or just make yourself visible and pictures of know like say hello first, but you know, I'm also lecture near just be like really transparent be like, hey, like I've been feeling you I like the way you look your style your lips the way you Bob.
Like a fish in water beach, like I need it like if you were to just show up. So my favorite flowers are wait. Hold on.
So birds have hair right now period period and gardenias
So if you like show up with just one of those and you just shot like if you if you yeah just show up to show to my house, so too or just, you know, just show up with those types of flowers and just and you know, and you say hey.
Tell me we're going somewhere. But you know give me the opportunity to change and take a shower and do all the good things. I just like playing a really perfect date. Like I'm just I just need bluntness. No blood. This is important to me. Yes, and that was it. I hope that we didn't bore y'all if this is just like a very informal conversation between two friends two best friends two sisters to marry people.
Uppers lovers lovers two soul mates, but this is talking to me those two and we just wanted to let you in on one of our conversations. They usually ten times longer, but I have to translate all of this. So I give myself a time limit by
What am I?
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